Then I became a mom. Never a dull moment. Sleep became a luxury not a dreaded event. But the thought of waking up the next day was greatly anticipated. Wondering what new amazing milestones my children would accomplish next. Working multiple jobs to provide, going to college full time, and most importantly being the most amazing mom I could possibly be with very limited resources.
Surprisingly, the times that seemed the most bleak to this struggling single mom, turned out to be the happiest memories my now adult kids have of their childhood.
Junk food Sundays, movie and pajama day, or the time the Easter bunny saved the best children for last. This was the time I was so busy making money to pay the Easter bunny that I forgot it was Easter Sunday. Thank God for a quick idea and helpful friends to destract my children. We were able to come up with the most incredible story about gas prices, time change, and weather conditions not allowing the Easter bunny to get to the most important children until late in the afternoon. All children wake up to their Easter surprises, but only the most special children would have a wonderful surprise waiting for them when they would return home in the evening. Similar events took place with the tooth fairy, Santa, and even Halloween. Being a single parent is hard enough, but turning the ordinary into extra ordinary with no financial backing takes talent.
I worked so hard to provide for my children in everyway possible. I had become so talented at my job that I was able to turn a boring college book on childhood behavior and make it sound like the best fairytale ever told. Although many would argue that most college books we are forced to read are fairytales.
Today, even though my baby will soon be 21, I pack all that up and put it away. Possibly forever. The closing of a final chapter on a journey that has lasted 24 years in the making. Due to circumstances beyond my control, God has chosen to send my life spiraling in a whole new direction.
Contrary to when I was much younger, I'm very scared and nervous about what the next day may bring.
God carried us through all those years of hard work and preparation. But for what? In the next three days, I will pack up my house, my career, and my life. One minute I'm scared to death, and then five minutes later I'm excited at the possibility of....?
Just breathe.......
One day I was looking at a classroom of students, struggling to breathe and begging God to keep me from passing out and scaring them for life. It was then that I thought, what am I doing, I'm killing myself for what? I wasn't doing any good for anyone. Not my children, not my students, not my coworkers, not my broken marriage, and certainly not myself. My children are now grown and providing for themselves and their own families. Yet I couldn't be there for them because I was using up all my energy for my students just trying to breathe. So what are you doing? Who are you helping? What difference are you making? None.
It took the lost of my breath, my health, to open my eyes and step back. Get my priorities in order. Time to put my ego in check.
What are we living for? Each day we get up, and rush around life, for what? Almost a year ago, I walked away from a car accident no one else has ever survived. My wake up call, or second chance. You know the whole "God's not done with you yet" life event. I must be completely hardheaded. Probably the most hardheaded person on the planet. Because it took a series of very unfortunate and possibly fortunate events to finally get my attention.
So now I have placed my entire life in God's hands. I would be completely lying to you if I said I trust him whole hearted let. I'm terrified. I'm thrilled. Anxious. Excited. And even sometimes angry. But he had given me absolutely no choice but to put my complete and utter faith in him.
And I'm procrastinating right now because I'm writing this blog instead of getting up and doing the things that I need to do to move forward.
Have never really had much faith in people but god.....well....
What are we here for anyway. This life is not the end but the beginning. It's what happens after this life that is eternal. That's our goal our purpose. Our final destination.
Life's not about owning a house or having this massive, impressive career or title. It's about listening and following God's plan to get to our ultimate goal. Life internal. So what if I struggle to breathe every day. So what it sometimes I can't even get out of the bed to get dressed. It's about having my baby call me all excited about the conversation she had with her school advisor and how all her hard work is going to pay off. It's about my oldest still struggling to find his way in life and not letting it bring him down, but instead finding the possitive in it all. No matter how big or small. It's about watching my daughter being an incredible mom with a lot more wisdom than I had at her age. It's about that incredible 4 tooth smile I get from my grandson when I wake up and see him standing at the foot of my bed ready to greet the day. Amazing how the smile of a child can make anything seem possible.
Life's about eternity.
This week we buried my husbands mamaw. She was 93 years old. She raised two daughters and grand children. She lost her husband over what, 40 years ago and never remarried. She waited. Waited until the day she would be with him again in heaven. She got it. She had the secret all along. Life is not about the here and now. Life's not even about the journey. Life's about the destination. My husband and I cried not over the fact that she was gone, but how she was able to be with her husband again, and Craig's son Tristin. I think we were jealous not sad. There were tears that day, but I think the tears were for the times that have gone past, the regrets of not spending more time with her at the end. Tears may come now and then not just because we miss her but the joy of knowing she will have no more pain. She is young again, whole, healthy, happy and with the people she loved and that loved her.
In an attempt to relieve my worries this week, my husband rented the movies "Heaven is for Real" and "God's not dead". Eye opening movies. Will put this whole life thing into perspective. I recommend you not only watch these movies, but buy them so when your beginning to doubt, or are having a little pity party for yourself, you can get a reminder that this too shall pass.
Now I will get up, take a breathing treatment, get dressed, and close one chapter of the story of my life. Or is it the beginning of a new chapter? God knows.
Always remember as Trent Shelton said, bad chapters can still create good endings.
God is good all the time.
And all the time
God is good.
