Cameron's Corner: Why I'm still hiding from life

Cameron's Corner: Why I'm still hiding from life

Why I'm still hiding from life

My story is just beginning.  Like one of the nurses at the behavioral health facility told me, "can't wait till your book is turned into a movie on life time",  I'm taking his advice and writing about my incredible year.  I am so happy to see that God has so much faith in my abilities to handle different situations.  Although I feel blessed to have made it this far, I'm afraid I haven't lived up to his expectations.  I have failed on so many levels.  I have not presented the Christian attitude as I should have. I'm also ashamed to say that on more than one occasion, I did lose all faith and hope.  Well, not all faith, but I did have a very stern discussion with god more than once.  I am grateful that I serve a loving and understanding god.  I am also thankful that Jesus knew how I would react and chose to be a living sacrifice for me anyway.
  I have questioned more times than I can count, why God chose to save my life that incredible day in January.  In fact I'm still struggling to understand his reasons.  I may never know the why or how, at least not while I'm still here on this planet.  I do know there must be a reason, but as the days continue come along, and one more tiny little disruption decides to rear it's ugly head in my life, I feel I am turning into a bitter person.  I have felt true hatred for the first time in my life this year.  Something that I could never believe I would feel.  I've had run ins with people I didn't particularly care for or respect.  But I have never hated anyone.  I am still struggling with that little situation daily.  And yet, as I am presented with one more complication this person has caused in my life and in the lives of the people I love, I only can find more reasons to "hate" this person.  I have struggled to find one reason, any reason, to have any sympathetic feelings towards this person.  Trust me, I have tried, and tried.  So again, I ask God, "why?"  As each trial and tribulation approaches, I've only made the Christian way of thinking look like a joke.  I can't bring myself to pray for my enemy, at least not to have blessing bestowed upon them.  Why?  I am only presented with was seems like a new test daily, and I continue to fail at each and everyone of them.  So again I ask. "WHY?"
    

Cameron's Corner: Why I've been hiding from life.

Cameron's Corner: Why I've been hiding from life.:     I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.  In a single moment, my life changed forever.  In ways I could never imagine.  Its hard to b...

Why I've been hiding from life.

    I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.  In a single moment, my life changed forever.  In ways I could never imagine.  Its hard to believe that decisions we make can send us down a path that were not as prepared for or mature enough to handle.  This change is something I never thought would happen. I knew something was different something was off, but I had no idea that this was the reason.  I like to say I never saw it coming. But didn't I? I now believe I chose denial. At the time seemed like the right approach.

   Later in the year, an insane, out-dated psychiatrist went as far as to ask me what I wasn't doing right to cause this to happen? What was "she" able to do for him that I couldn't. (How would I know? I wasn't there when it happened.)

    Isn't that what everyone in a situation like this ask themselves a million times? What could I have done, what did I not do?  What is so wrong, so terrible about loving me? 

   Why wasn't I enough? It was more than enough for me. Sure I could've used more attention. I would've loved to see him show me that he cared a little bit more.  It wouldn't have taken much.

   For years I knew something wasn't right.  I would beg him to tell me what was  wrong. Let me fix things.  His used all the typical  responses; "You know it's you it's not me, I'm happy it's not my fault you're not happy, must be your hormones, (loved that one) maybe you need to go see the doctor so he can give you something because you're unhappy. I'm happy, I'm fine just the way things are."  

 I was afraid I was wanting more than any one person could give.  And to now look back and remember how I was afraid I would be the unfaithful one because I was so lonely. Afraid to leave the house without him. A prisoner of my own doing. 

 I prayed for the truth. I heard God's voice in my head asking me "are you sure you're ready for the truth, because youre not going to like what you hear?"

 Reminds me of that saying be careful what you pray for. ... 

   I did get the truth and God was right. I didn't like what I heard. 

  Saturday, August 31st, 2013. My "D" day.  My husband was sleeping. I was in the new TV room. Our youngest had moved out and we were without children to raise for the first time since we met. When we married, I had two, a son and a daughter and he had a daughter of his own. I prepared myself knowing that things would be different. When the kids were grown and on their own. But no matter how much you prepare or how many books you read, you can never be ready for what happens when your "fairy tale" marriage turns out to be a nightmare. A bad dream you can't wake up from no matter what you try. 

 I looked up at the new loft bunk bed my husband built for our unborn grandson. We were going to be the coolest grandparents on the planet.  The room was really starting to take shape. There was the wall I spent hours creating. Picking the perfect pictures from several 1940s TIME Magazines to make a unique wallpaper just for that room. 

  I was so happy. 

       Happy. 

   I remember sitting there thinking how blessed I was to have a husband willing and able to build the things that I made up in my head. I just loved spending time with him.

   That was one thing  my husband and I could always do. We really enjoyed the time when we spent alone together. He was my best friend.  The day trips we took together, unforgetable.  When we had obligations, we would always find a way to enjoy the trip, just the two of us.  Of course he was closed up in a car with me, so I had a captive audience. He didn't have any choice but to listen or pretend he was listening. I didn't care he was there. 

   While looking at what we had put together, I turned my head and there was my husbands cell phone. He had clung to that phone lately like it was his lifeline. He never went anywhere without that phone attached to him like a second skin. He didn't have it with him.  I had a little devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. One telling me to look at his phone and the other telling me not to.  So I chose  to pick it up and bring it to him. I knew that he would wake up soon and need his phone. At least that's what I told myself to justify my next action.  I didn't want him to be late for work. I'll just make sure his alarm is set on his phone. Yea, right. I have since learned that looking through his phone only brings me heart ache.   

    I picked up the cell phone, held it in my hand and I started to walk out the door. Then I froze. I heard that voice in my head saying" are you sure you're ready for the truth"?  You're not going to like it. I  looked at the cell phone, And started to investigate. (This is the part that you don't want to do, the step that you don't take Unless you're  prepared for what you will find. We all know that when you go looking, and you will look, you're going to find something.  We usually don't stop until we do. Then at that point it's too late. Your life is changed forever. At least the life you thought you had , would never be the same.)

  I now regret this but I unlocked his cell phone and I saw all these apps I didn't recognize. Tumblr, stumbler, and others I had never heard of before. They where in a social media folder. (Still didn't get it.)  I didn't have a clue what would happen when I opened each one. 

   I guess there was 4, 5, maybe even six altogether. There before me were the pictures of barely clad women, naked women. I remember Getting that sensation, that feeling that's surged through my body, the same feeling I have right now as I write about this.  Like a  hot flash and a tingle (and not the good kind) all at the same time. Here I saw women with perfectly shaped bodies. (Gravity obviously had not taken over on any part of them yet).  So this is what's wrong?  this is what I'm not doing right? He has to look at other women because he doesn't want to look at me? 

(I now know this was never about me. Don't ever think your not enough. God made you, a beautiful creation.)

 I was frozen staring at the wall, his cell phone in my hand, and on the screen, a picture of a half naked woman. He came into the room ...

  It was like he couldn't get the words out fast enough, they were all coming out at once. His voice sounded like a mumble. It was that moment I realized my life had been a lie and I would never look at my marriage the same way. 

                                                 EVER

   I know your thinking, big deal all men look at Victoria's Secret and other questionable magazines or websites. Most people believe it's a man thing, that all men do. It's harmless, right?  My response is No. It's not normal. Don't ever believe this is something all men do. They don't. When you are in a real God centered marriage. You are the only woman your husband will want to see. 

  Well, I should have stopped. But it was worse than I thought. It wouldn't be long before I would know how bad things really were. 

     I don't remember much after that only a lot of ugly words toward each other. Mine to hide the insecurity and pain inside. I have this horrible way of lashing out when I'm hurt. 

   We had just gotten  back from the beach a few weeks before. Our First real vacation together in over six years. First time away together, in I don't know how long.  While he went to work that night, I would run away to the last place I remember us being happy together.  I would run away to the beach.  I could sit on the beach, read my bible, pray, and God would help me realize that everything would be fine.  I would find the peace I was looking for and see that I was making a big deal over nothing.

   Why did it take so long to get out the house that night?  It felt like if I did walk out the door my world would never be the same.  I was scared? But I made myself do it. 
   Little did I know that I was about to start on an adventure I never though would happen.
 

  My life did change at first for the better.  It didn't last long. I was given a precious gift only to have it crushed, and by the person that had vowed to love me till death us do part. 

   I started this blog almost a year ago. Not long after the "grand confession" as I call it. In three days I experienced the most beautiful incredible moment of my life and also the most heart wrenching moments of my life. 

   Quick version. Renee's biggest fears. I saw, experienced and I SURVIVED. 

  The details in another blog.