I've gone and done it now

When I was much younger, I couldn't wait for the next big exciting thing. Always rushing into new ideas and challenges. I can remember when I had a good night with friends not wanting to go to sleep because I didn't want the fun and excitement to end. Afraid that the next day would not bring the same amount of joy and excitement. 

  Then I became a mom. Never a dull moment. Sleep became a luxury not a dreaded event. But the thought of waking up the next day was greatly anticipated. Wondering what new amazing milestones my children would accomplish next. Working multiple jobs to provide, going to college full time, and most importantly being the most amazing mom I could possibly be with very limited resources. 

Surprisingly, the times that seemed the most bleak to this struggling single mom, turned out to be the happiest memories my now adult kids have of their childhood. 

    Junk food Sundays, movie and pajama day, or the time the Easter bunny saved the best children for last. This was the time I was so busy making money to pay the Easter bunny that I forgot it was Easter Sunday. Thank God for a quick idea and helpful friends to destract my children.  We were able to come up with the most incredible story about gas prices, time change, and weather conditions not allowing the Easter bunny to get to the most important children until late in the afternoon. All children wake up to their Easter surprises, but only the most special children would have a wonderful surprise waiting for them when they would return home in the evening. Similar events took place with the tooth fairy, Santa, and even Halloween. Being a single parent is hard enough, but turning the ordinary into extra ordinary with no financial backing takes talent. 

    I worked so hard to provide for my children in everyway possible. I had become so talented at my job that I was able to turn a boring college book on childhood behavior and make it sound like the best fairytale ever told. Although many would argue that most college books we are forced to read are fairytales. 

   Today, even though my baby will soon be 21, I pack all that up and put it away. Possibly forever. The closing of a final chapter on a journey that has lasted 24 years in the making. Due to circumstances beyond my control, God has chosen to send my life spiraling in a whole new direction.  

   Contrary to when I was much younger, I'm very scared and nervous about what the next day may bring. 

    God carried us through all those years of hard work and preparation. But for what?   In the next three days, I will pack up my house, my career, and my life. One minute I'm scared to death, and then five minutes later I'm excited at the possibility of....? 

      Just breathe.......

  One day I was looking at a classroom of students, struggling to breathe and begging God to keep me from passing out and scaring them for life. It was then that I thought, what am I doing,  I'm killing myself for what?  I wasn't doing any good for anyone. Not my children, not my students, not my coworkers, not my broken marriage, and certainly not myself. My children are now grown and providing for themselves and their own families. Yet I couldn't be there for them because I was using up all my energy for my students just trying to breathe. So what are you doing?  Who are you helping?  What difference are you making? None.   

   It took the lost of my breath, my health, to open my eyes and step back. Get my priorities in order. Time to put my ego in check.  

   What are we living for?  Each day we get up, and rush around life, for what? Almost a year ago, I walked away from a car accident no one else has ever survived. My wake up call, or second chance. You know the whole "God's not done with you yet" life event.  I must be completely hardheaded. Probably the most hardheaded person on the planet. Because it took a series of very unfortunate and possibly fortunate events to finally get my attention. 

  So now I have placed my entire life in God's hands. I would be completely lying to you if I said I trust him whole hearted let. I'm terrified. I'm thrilled.  Anxious. Excited. And even sometimes angry. But he had given me absolutely no choice but to put my complete and utter faith in him. 

     And I'm procrastinating right now because I'm writing this blog instead of getting up and doing the things that I need to do to move forward.   

    Have never really had much faith in people but god.....well....

     What are we here for anyway.  This life is not the end but the beginning. It's what happens after this life that is eternal. That's our goal our purpose. Our final destination. 

     Life's not about owning a house or having this massive, impressive career or title.  It's about listening and following God's plan to get to our ultimate goal. Life internal. So what if I struggle to breathe every day.  So what it sometimes I can't even get out of the bed to get dressed.  It's about having my baby call me all excited about the conversation she had with her school advisor and how all her hard work is going to pay off. It's about my oldest still struggling to find his way in life and not letting it bring him down, but instead finding the possitive in it all. No matter how big or small. It's about watching my daughter being an incredible mom with a lot more wisdom than I had at her age. It's about that incredible 4 tooth smile I get from my grandson when I wake up and see him standing at the foot of my bed ready to greet the day.  Amazing how the smile of a child can make anything seem possible.  

     Life's about eternity.

      This week we buried my husbands mamaw. She was 93 years old. She raised two daughters and grand children. She lost her husband over what, 40 years ago and never remarried. She waited. Waited until the day she would be with him again in heaven. She got it. She had the secret all along. Life is not about the here and now. Life's not even about the journey. Life's about the destination.  My husband and I cried not over the fact that she was gone, but how she was able to be with her husband again, and Craig's son Tristin. I think we were jealous not sad. There were tears that day, but I think the tears were for the times that have gone past, the regrets of not spending more time with her at the end. Tears may come now and then not just because we miss her but the joy of knowing she will have no more pain. She is young again, whole, healthy, happy and with the people she loved and that loved her. 

   

      In an attempt to relieve my worries this week, my husband rented the movies "Heaven is for Real" and "God's not dead".  Eye opening movies.  Will put this whole life thing into perspective. I recommend you not only watch these movies, but buy them so when your beginning to doubt, or are having a little pity party for yourself, you can get a reminder that this too shall pass.

   Now I will get up, take a breathing treatment, get dressed, and close one chapter of the story of my life. Or is it the beginning of a new chapter?  God knows. 

     

Always remember as Trent Shelton said, bad chapters can still create good endings. 

  

God is good all the time. 

And all the time

God is good. 

Fast forward to where I am now.

   All I wanted Craig to do was let me stand by his side as his wife.  I don't need to say anything.  All I've ever wanted was to stand by his side as his wife.  I have begged him for years to do this and he doesn't want me anywhere around when he talks to his parents or Katlyn.  I've always wanted Katlyn to be a part of our family. I have never excluded her and I love her and the baby as my own.  This has nothing to do with saying bad things about Craig.  After all these years I thought I had proved myself to be a good person, wife and mother.  Now I know anything I do will never be good enough.  14 years of marriage and trying to be a good wife, mother, grandmother and daughter -in-law wasn't enough.  To believe for one second I would ever do something to hurt Craig. Everyone wants me to be the bad person to justify their actions but I never get an apology. I gave up my family for my husband and marriage. Why would I do anything to hurt HIM.  I'm not to blame. I've tried.  

  I started writing a blog about the journey Craig and my marriage has taken the past few years.  I made sure he approved first before I posted anything. What started out as a story with a happy ending quickly turned to disaster because people chose to think the worst of me. 

  We were in love again. Feeling like we could face the world together. Willing to forgive all the wrongs that had been done and all the pain that was caused. I know with all my heart two people were never happier than he and I this past summer.  

   This is truly a sad event. The breaking up of a family is never good under any circumstances. The day the baby was born a little over a year ago was the point where everyone came full circle. All of the family finally came together and united excited about a new beginning. A promising future for all of us. 

   Jennifer, and I helped Katlyn bring that amazing baby into this world. Second only to the birth of my own children, the single most incredible event oft life. I feel so blessed to have been a part of it. A moment that will bond the three of us, women, forever. 

  I will continue to write our story in hopes that some other couple can learn from our mistakes. 

   The first most important key to a successful marriage, which in turn leads to a blessed and productive family, is God 1st, Spouse 2nd. Not the kids, or the job. Not money or a nice house, car , etc.  A GOD centered marriage leads to a GOD centered family. A family that stands up for one another no matter what, and a family that can face a any adversity and survive. TOGETHER. 

Cameron's Corner: Why I'm still hiding from life

Cameron's Corner: Why I'm still hiding from life

Why I'm still hiding from life

My story is just beginning.  Like one of the nurses at the behavioral health facility told me, "can't wait till your book is turned into a movie on life time",  I'm taking his advice and writing about my incredible year.  I am so happy to see that God has so much faith in my abilities to handle different situations.  Although I feel blessed to have made it this far, I'm afraid I haven't lived up to his expectations.  I have failed on so many levels.  I have not presented the Christian attitude as I should have. I'm also ashamed to say that on more than one occasion, I did lose all faith and hope.  Well, not all faith, but I did have a very stern discussion with god more than once.  I am grateful that I serve a loving and understanding god.  I am also thankful that Jesus knew how I would react and chose to be a living sacrifice for me anyway.
  I have questioned more times than I can count, why God chose to save my life that incredible day in January.  In fact I'm still struggling to understand his reasons.  I may never know the why or how, at least not while I'm still here on this planet.  I do know there must be a reason, but as the days continue come along, and one more tiny little disruption decides to rear it's ugly head in my life, I feel I am turning into a bitter person.  I have felt true hatred for the first time in my life this year.  Something that I could never believe I would feel.  I've had run ins with people I didn't particularly care for or respect.  But I have never hated anyone.  I am still struggling with that little situation daily.  And yet, as I am presented with one more complication this person has caused in my life and in the lives of the people I love, I only can find more reasons to "hate" this person.  I have struggled to find one reason, any reason, to have any sympathetic feelings towards this person.  Trust me, I have tried, and tried.  So again, I ask God, "why?"  As each trial and tribulation approaches, I've only made the Christian way of thinking look like a joke.  I can't bring myself to pray for my enemy, at least not to have blessing bestowed upon them.  Why?  I am only presented with was seems like a new test daily, and I continue to fail at each and everyone of them.  So again I ask. "WHY?"
    

Cameron's Corner: Why I've been hiding from life.

Cameron's Corner: Why I've been hiding from life.:     I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.  In a single moment, my life changed forever.  In ways I could never imagine.  Its hard to b...

Why I've been hiding from life.

    I don't believe in fairy tales anymore.  In a single moment, my life changed forever.  In ways I could never imagine.  Its hard to believe that decisions we make can send us down a path that were not as prepared for or mature enough to handle.  This change is something I never thought would happen. I knew something was different something was off, but I had no idea that this was the reason.  I like to say I never saw it coming. But didn't I? I now believe I chose denial. At the time seemed like the right approach.

   Later in the year, an insane, out-dated psychiatrist went as far as to ask me what I wasn't doing right to cause this to happen? What was "she" able to do for him that I couldn't. (How would I know? I wasn't there when it happened.)

    Isn't that what everyone in a situation like this ask themselves a million times? What could I have done, what did I not do?  What is so wrong, so terrible about loving me? 

   Why wasn't I enough? It was more than enough for me. Sure I could've used more attention. I would've loved to see him show me that he cared a little bit more.  It wouldn't have taken much.

   For years I knew something wasn't right.  I would beg him to tell me what was  wrong. Let me fix things.  His used all the typical  responses; "You know it's you it's not me, I'm happy it's not my fault you're not happy, must be your hormones, (loved that one) maybe you need to go see the doctor so he can give you something because you're unhappy. I'm happy, I'm fine just the way things are."  

 I was afraid I was wanting more than any one person could give.  And to now look back and remember how I was afraid I would be the unfaithful one because I was so lonely. Afraid to leave the house without him. A prisoner of my own doing. 

 I prayed for the truth. I heard God's voice in my head asking me "are you sure you're ready for the truth, because youre not going to like what you hear?"

 Reminds me of that saying be careful what you pray for. ... 

   I did get the truth and God was right. I didn't like what I heard. 

  Saturday, August 31st, 2013. My "D" day.  My husband was sleeping. I was in the new TV room. Our youngest had moved out and we were without children to raise for the first time since we met. When we married, I had two, a son and a daughter and he had a daughter of his own. I prepared myself knowing that things would be different. When the kids were grown and on their own. But no matter how much you prepare or how many books you read, you can never be ready for what happens when your "fairy tale" marriage turns out to be a nightmare. A bad dream you can't wake up from no matter what you try. 

 I looked up at the new loft bunk bed my husband built for our unborn grandson. We were going to be the coolest grandparents on the planet.  The room was really starting to take shape. There was the wall I spent hours creating. Picking the perfect pictures from several 1940s TIME Magazines to make a unique wallpaper just for that room. 

  I was so happy. 

       Happy. 

   I remember sitting there thinking how blessed I was to have a husband willing and able to build the things that I made up in my head. I just loved spending time with him.

   That was one thing  my husband and I could always do. We really enjoyed the time when we spent alone together. He was my best friend.  The day trips we took together, unforgetable.  When we had obligations, we would always find a way to enjoy the trip, just the two of us.  Of course he was closed up in a car with me, so I had a captive audience. He didn't have any choice but to listen or pretend he was listening. I didn't care he was there. 

   While looking at what we had put together, I turned my head and there was my husbands cell phone. He had clung to that phone lately like it was his lifeline. He never went anywhere without that phone attached to him like a second skin. He didn't have it with him.  I had a little devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. One telling me to look at his phone and the other telling me not to.  So I chose  to pick it up and bring it to him. I knew that he would wake up soon and need his phone. At least that's what I told myself to justify my next action.  I didn't want him to be late for work. I'll just make sure his alarm is set on his phone. Yea, right. I have since learned that looking through his phone only brings me heart ache.   

    I picked up the cell phone, held it in my hand and I started to walk out the door. Then I froze. I heard that voice in my head saying" are you sure you're ready for the truth"?  You're not going to like it. I  looked at the cell phone, And started to investigate. (This is the part that you don't want to do, the step that you don't take Unless you're  prepared for what you will find. We all know that when you go looking, and you will look, you're going to find something.  We usually don't stop until we do. Then at that point it's too late. Your life is changed forever. At least the life you thought you had , would never be the same.)

  I now regret this but I unlocked his cell phone and I saw all these apps I didn't recognize. Tumblr, stumbler, and others I had never heard of before. They where in a social media folder. (Still didn't get it.)  I didn't have a clue what would happen when I opened each one. 

   I guess there was 4, 5, maybe even six altogether. There before me were the pictures of barely clad women, naked women. I remember Getting that sensation, that feeling that's surged through my body, the same feeling I have right now as I write about this.  Like a  hot flash and a tingle (and not the good kind) all at the same time. Here I saw women with perfectly shaped bodies. (Gravity obviously had not taken over on any part of them yet).  So this is what's wrong?  this is what I'm not doing right? He has to look at other women because he doesn't want to look at me? 

(I now know this was never about me. Don't ever think your not enough. God made you, a beautiful creation.)

 I was frozen staring at the wall, his cell phone in my hand, and on the screen, a picture of a half naked woman. He came into the room ...

  It was like he couldn't get the words out fast enough, they were all coming out at once. His voice sounded like a mumble. It was that moment I realized my life had been a lie and I would never look at my marriage the same way. 

                                                 EVER

   I know your thinking, big deal all men look at Victoria's Secret and other questionable magazines or websites. Most people believe it's a man thing, that all men do. It's harmless, right?  My response is No. It's not normal. Don't ever believe this is something all men do. They don't. When you are in a real God centered marriage. You are the only woman your husband will want to see. 

  Well, I should have stopped. But it was worse than I thought. It wouldn't be long before I would know how bad things really were. 

     I don't remember much after that only a lot of ugly words toward each other. Mine to hide the insecurity and pain inside. I have this horrible way of lashing out when I'm hurt. 

   We had just gotten  back from the beach a few weeks before. Our First real vacation together in over six years. First time away together, in I don't know how long.  While he went to work that night, I would run away to the last place I remember us being happy together.  I would run away to the beach.  I could sit on the beach, read my bible, pray, and God would help me realize that everything would be fine.  I would find the peace I was looking for and see that I was making a big deal over nothing.

   Why did it take so long to get out the house that night?  It felt like if I did walk out the door my world would never be the same.  I was scared? But I made myself do it. 
   Little did I know that I was about to start on an adventure I never though would happen.
 

  My life did change at first for the better.  It didn't last long. I was given a precious gift only to have it crushed, and by the person that had vowed to love me till death us do part. 

   I started this blog almost a year ago. Not long after the "grand confession" as I call it. In three days I experienced the most beautiful incredible moment of my life and also the most heart wrenching moments of my life. 

   Quick version. Renee's biggest fears. I saw, experienced and I SURVIVED. 

  The details in another blog.