Before I begin this blog is not directed at any one particular person family member or friend. I include myself along with everyone else because I am just as guilty.
Funny thing before I was married I was one of those people that said if my man ever tried to lay a hand on me, if my husband ever tried to abuse me I'd kill him. No man will ever lay a hand on me. I will never let a man tell me what to say and what to do. I was raising two children putting myself through school I was a force to be reckoned with. I had spunk, fire, determination and I was fierce. I was content and I was proud. No man would ever control my life with money or anything else. I was going to maintain control. I was going to be in charge. I used to bounce out of bed four o'clock in the morning, happy to greet the day, ready to see what new thing I was going to conquer and accomplished next.
Graduated from college while raising two children under the age of five by myself. I was the first person on my mother side the family to ever graduate from college. Only did I graduate but I graduated with honors every semester I was on the Dean's and chancellors list straight A's except for the last semester I had to student teach. I received my first teaching position at an incredible school. I had amazing mentors. I bought my own home by myself. I even bought my first car by myself, it was used but it didn't matter. I did all this on my own, only with the strenghth and persistence given to me by the grace of God the father.
You can imagine my shock to discover one day after 15 years that I had found myself in a place I never thought I would allow my myself to be.
I had spent years telling women to leave. I had spent years helping women, talking to women. I remember always thinking to myself, how can they stay with someone who obviously doesn't love them? I can even remember thinking how weak they must be to think so little of themselves. How can they not see they deserve better?
It wasn't like I hadn't had those types of experiences myself. I had many boyfriends that didn't think twice about giving me black eyes, pushing me against walls or shoving me, slinging me around, and shaking me trying to "put me in my place". But I always had that confidence and belief, I don't need to take this from you. I would Break up that person that guy and eventually find someone better. The thing is when I was in high school and in college, I had a home. I had a mother, a father, a brother, a family, my support system. I knew I wasn't going to be alone. Things to distract people to help me. Even though I never admitted to any of the abuse. I lied to cover up the bruises, the black eyes because I just didn't want to have to deal with all the it old you so's.
I can remember countless times jumping in between two strangers because I saw some guy,always much bigger than me, slinging some girl or some woman around trying to beat the crap out of her. I wasn't afraid I wasn't scared. I was on a mission. I would give my speech. I would tell them my story, pray for them, but you know to this day I don't know what happened to any of those women except for one.
This is where we as a human species fail miserably. Whether we have someone we know coming out of an abusive relationship,an alcoholic, someone trying to beat some type of addiction, we are the reason why most don't succeed or live.
As I said before leaving an abusive relationship, getting out so to speak, of the physical house, is not the most difficult step. But it is the first step. What makes taking that first step so hard for the abused person is knowing and understanding that the real struggle begins next.
I have a friend who said the night she left her abusive marriage was easy compared to what Would happen in the following months. The night I left it was as if something or someone had taken over her body. I felt as though I was still dreaming cannot like it that was a pillow and a couple blankets. I felt like if I could just get a decent nights sleep where I felt safe I couldn't wake up think clearly and make it work. Ironically the night I decided to leave, I thought I was just leaving to take a break, in fact I wasn't thinking at all. I could hear in my head was get out now, get out or you never will. The night of my "great escape" was the day before the 22nd anniversary of my best friends murder.
I can remember sitting at the stop sign at the end of the road thinking what am I doing, where do I go? I couldn't think. I felt like I was in the shop and I had this numb tingling sensation all over me and not the good kind.
I all of a sudden had friends family and loved ones show up at my daughters telling me how much they loved me,supported me, and how they would be with me every step of the way.
Now this is where gets painfully real. We failed to keep up with the research. We fail to read and inform ourselves. It is the secrets, the lies, and our ignorance that give the abuse the power over the abused.
Believe it or not Gov. Bobby Jendel supported to bills when he discovered that the state of Louisiana was the leading number one state with the leading cause of death for victims of domestic violence.
Yeah this is where our true lack of knowledge comes in to play. Everyone says he took that first debt that's the hardest part but that's a lie. As an abused person we know leaving is easy it's what comes next that's the most difficult. Where we fail these women, where we are responsible for their pain, suffering, and even in most cases death, is what we do next. Or maybe I should write what we don't do.
Now I apologize to my Christian friends but I know of no other way to word this what I'm about to say next. We have got to get rid of this crap stupid idea that the abused victim has to do everything on their own. This and I apologize for my language bullshit mentality of telling and abused person stop being depressed get up put your big girl panties on and go follow restraining order is crap.
If you stop and think for five seconds if an abused person had the courage, that inner strength, that ability, that belief in themselves, do you honestly believe they would need you to tell them? Sometimes tell a person who is being abused to get the hell up and file charges and you take your life back. One second were telling them we're here for you we support you will be with you every step of the way. God for bid that person actually call her put out a cry for help and say I'm scared will you come with me. That's when we say no you have to do this yourself.
That is a load of crap.
Stop for at least 10 seconds and take into account that these abused women, and some men, have spent years, and in my case 15 years at first being built up and to believe they were loved and honored and cherished and the most important thing in their spouses life. My husband even told people that I saved his life and is constantly proclaiming how grateful and blessed he was to have met me. I felt as though I can do anything I had the most self-confidence trust faith and believe in myself I had ever had in my entire life. Then the switch is flipped. And then the abused person spend years hearing how difficult it is to love them. Hearing how they make it impossible for anybody to want to be around them or love them. Thank for 10 seconds that the abuser has spent months and even years ripping apart every ounce of courage, self-esteem, belief in themselves, and made the abused person feel as though they were worthless.
Where the hell is the strength, courage supposed to come from? Oh but oh no we with one sentence by telling someone get up off your butt and take control of your life you have to do it yourself are going to wipeout years of control and manipulation by the abuser. Abusive spouses put a lot of time into making sure The abused feels helpless and alone When we tell abused woman you need to stand up stop playing the victim stop letting him control your life. From my personal experience, if I believed I knew how to do that after 15 years, I sure as heck don't need someone who has never had to live my life. Someone who had never experience the pain I have suffered. Pain at the hands of the person I loved with all my heart, vowed to spend the rest of my life with, and I believed was my soulmate, The person I truly believed was sent by God.
How do you expect a human being to turn off love for someone they invested months or years of their life. You have to understand with Domestic Violence, if the person being abused could do everything on their own they would've done it. Some how we think by telling them to grow up, get off their ass and do what they have to do, is the magic formula. I'm guilty of this too before I found myself in a similar situation. I said this many times, but I was not living the life and I had no right. What do we think the abused person's going to say oh my god why did I never think of that? Oh that's right I remember. I have no self-esteem, no self-worth and my husband or partner, told me no one would care and I would have to be on my own.
The worst thing we do to someone that is in an abusive relationship or marriage we abandoned them when they need us most.
I had a friend tell me that her family and friends with completely disowned her because she wouldn't leave her husband. Victims of domestic abuse are brainwashed controlled and convinced that if they leave no one will help them. Victims of domestic abuse are made to believe that the only person that will be there for them ever is the abusive person themselves.
This is where we really need to stop and think take 10 minutes to think.
This mentality of telling and abused person that they have to do this on their own, that we can't hold their hands, and we can't take that step for them, is garbage.
When and abused person or woman leaves and abusive relationship that is when they need us most. Tell them call me if you need anything because if they really believed they could do that then don't you think they would have done that while they were with the person that was abusing them.
All we are doing is proving the abuser is right. The abused victim finds themselves alone with no idea of what to do next. She is scared to leave the house. She is scared to seek an attorney. She is scared to go to the grocery store alone.
Some abuse victims have been so isolated for one reason or another from society they're terrified I don't know how to speak or act in public or around other human beings. They lived for so long having to worry about every word they said everything they did, because you never know what could set the abuser off.
My friend told me about how her support system she thought she had, was there for her about as much as they were there for her when she was with the abusive husband. She told me about the many times she laid so sick in bed she couldn't get up to get medicine or food and sadly the only person that ever checked on her was her abusive spouse.
She admitted that she had to stop excepting invitation years ago from family and friends because she didn't want to be get accused by her husband cheating or doing something inappropriate. I did notice she seemed to disappear for years I never heard or saw her I didn't even think about her. She told me she thought that once she left the abusive husband, she was going to prove him wrong. She wasn't going to be alone any more, she was going to strong, she had a support system, she had people who loved and cared about her. They were going to stick by her every step of the way.
I mentioned earlier that The night I left my husband because I saw that our problems were getting dangerously worse and not better, it was the night before the 22nd anniversary of my best friends murder.
My best friend had actually left and divorce her abusive husband. She was on her own, raising her children. Howevef, they shared children. Which meant she still had to have some type of interaction and maintain contact with him. I remember the Christmas before she died. She didn't have enough money to buy her children the clothes they needed or to give them a proper Christmas. I work in the mall where she came by her children and he walked up behind her. She was all smiles and happy telling me about how great he had been helping her buy Christmas presents for the kids. I remember feeling so uncomfortable and just thinking to myself this isn't right. Something just didn't seem right. I don't remember if it was the same night or soon after, but she had decided that we were going out with him. He said I'm paying it all on me. I've heard that everybody believed he was a great guy and would give the shirt off his back from the first time I met him it just didn't seem right. Even though he was smiles and appeared to be very helpful I always felt very uncomfortable around him. Christmas came and went. New Year's Eve she and I both found ourselves stood up and dateless. We decided to heck with it will just be each other's date and enjoy the new year. I must inject we were just friends it wasn't a real date. The next week with my son's second birthday. By this time my friend had started building up a business of her she was starting to make good money and get plenty of clients. She was able to get enough money to buy a vehicle she just didn't have enough money to pay for car insurance.
I could go on with my details but this is the point at which an abused woman is still tethered to the abusive spouse.
Sad to say Louisiana right first number one in domestic violence related deaths among women. The major percentage of death that occurred happened after the woman left. After restraining orders and divorce papers had been signed. And in my friends case she had been divorced for quite some time. One of the major steps and abuser takes is to destroy the finances of the abused person. And so even after divorce and abusive spouse can still continue to control and abuse and even kill.
And that's what happened to my friend. Every time she would start to pull herself up to stand her own 2 feet mysteriously something would happen that would knock her back down.
Remember the vehicle she had finally been able to save up and buy. Mysteriously someone reported to the police department that she didn't have car insurance. The policedepartment showed up and took her tags. She needed the vehicle to go clean houses to make an income to build her business to stand on her own 2 feet. I couldn't drive for her that day because I had to go to work one of my many part-time jobs I tried to be successful at the failed. No one was either willing or able to help. She felt she had no other option but to call him. He came over and said he would love to help her all she needed to do is go with him he would get her insurance and bring her back. I asked her just doesn't feel right something just doesn't seem right. She even told me she suspected he was the one that had called the police. I remember she said Renée what else am I supposed to do what choice do I have. The next time I saw her I was giving the eulogy at her funeral.
Thank God our governor realized that just leaving an abusive marriage does not keep a woman safe. Getting a divorce getting on with your life all abused women know that this is when it is most dangerous.
This is when the truly abusive husband or spouse has nothing left to lose. This is when all the threat of death become real. Is there no longer threats they become actions. This is when an abused woman's life is most at risk.
I know we have been trained in the past 20 years to believe that sometimes tough love Toughlove that's the way to go. In case of women who are being abused that is the worst route to take. Ignoring them dismissing them from your life you think that's going to make them say oh my god what am I doing that's the problem. They've been getting tough love all this time. But it's called abuse.
We don't realize at the time and we think we know what we're doing and we think we have the person we love's best interest at heart. But what we are really doing is showing the bees person that every single thing their abuser said to them is true.
I challenge you to get on the Internet or get a book or scientific journal do your homework and research. As far as we have come as a human race we are still in the dark ages when it comes to helping someone who has been abused. The last thing and abused woman or a man need is to be alone because that is when they are the most at risk. This is where the abuser becomes the strongest this is the time where the abuser isn't more control then before.
And it's because of us. We are supposed to be the family friends and loved ones that care about this abused person. And our actions only make the abuser stronger and gain more control.
And abused woman or man or child needs love compassion understanding. I know in my case if I want to be criticized, judged, questions, or yelled that I just go back to my husband. I mean I may have peace and freedom away. But I am completely alone I have absolutely no one by my side today. The worst part is the only person that called to invite me to spend Easter with them what's my husband and his family.
You know I have been told by many people that claim to love me that no one wants to help me because I've cried wolf too many times and I keep running back to my husband. But like I said at least I know with him where I stand.
We are the reason that Louisiana's number Wednesday for Domestic violence related deaths among women. And as long as we keep this uninformed ill-equipped wrong way of dealing with the situation, those numbers will continue to grow.
One in three women between ages of 16 and 24 have been victims of domestic violence with a spouse or boyfriend or partner or significant other.
This "tough love" is the stupidest most ignorant ill advisrd approach to take. When you tell someone you love who is been abused by that nobody wants to support them because I keep going back you are confirming every horrible vicious things that abusive person has told them that for years. At that point when we do this, we might as will dig the grave.
If you truly love someone that is in an abusive relationship don't sit around waiting for them to call you if they had the ability to do that and reach out for help, they would.
Tonight call or send a text saying hey I'm praying for you today. Makes us just as guilty.
You can be the most generous, kindest loving person in the world. But to kick a love one out of your life when they are going through the worst time of their's.......
How many of you right this second know for a fact that someone you love isn't safe and isn't lonely.
This garbage and abused victim having to do it all on their own is ignorance.
It's sad to say that I have found more compassion and understanding and help emotionally from complete strangers. It's even worse is that most women are the least compassionate when it comes to helping a woman recover from Domestic Abuse.
